


Oh How I've Missed This (Medicate It Away)

by figurative_falsehood



Category: Sanders Sides, Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Drug Use, Other, Post Break Up, they/them Patton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 07:15:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21032324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/figurative_falsehood/pseuds/figurative_falsehood
Summary: Patton dealing with the aftermath of losing logan.





	1. Should I Take A Pill to Numb the Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Drug use, Self Medication, Heartbreak 
> 
> This is based on the song Medicate by Gabbie Hannah 
> 
> -Kay

Colors lost meaning a long time ago.   
  
Sunsets and flowers and eyes all faded into similar shades of dull.   
  
They used to love the color blue. They used to love stars. They used to love the smell of coffee and the way he touched them.   
  
Patton used to_ love_.

People were moving around them in blurs, they weren’t sure when they stopped noticing.   
  
Everything felt fuzzy and heavy and unreal. They opened themselves up and let _his_ smile cut through their heart.  
  
Patton thought they were so lucky to see his smile. Thought they were so lucky to watch his eyes light up. Thought they were so lucky to hear him say their name like it was the most precious thing in the world.   
  
Now all Patton wanted to do was bury the memories. They didn’t want them anymore but they were _everywhere._   
  
_He was everywhere  
_  
Patton sat on a park bench their knees tucked up under their chin. Birds sang somewhere they were sure of it. But now they couldn’t hear it. their hands shook around the bottle in their pocket.   
  
_He_ had loved the science behind medication, changing brain chemistry so much for such a small pill. He wanted to be a scientist, he wanted to come up for cures for everything. Patton tried not to think about that when they shakily unscrewed the lid and swallowed the pill dry and waited for the numb to settle over them. This was their cure.  
  
They didn’t move until the sun went down and the park was covered in shadows. Until their chest felt lighter and the hurt disappeared.   
  
“Patton?” the voice made them jump having been too lost in their head to notice someone approaching them. they looked at the person confused. somewhere in the back of their mind, they recognized this person but the haze that filled their brain was hard to push past enough to connect a name to the face.   
  
“it’s uh, Virgil… from uh, we used to be in the same art class.” _Virgil. _that was right, this boys name was Virgil.   
  
“Oh, uh hiya kiddo!” they tried to sound somewhere close to normal. instead, they sounded hollow. They vaguely remembered Virgil. The sad boy in Art that painted in only purples. _purple_ Patton remembered purple a cool color that still felt warm. _warm_. Patton hadn’t felt warm in a long time. “whatareya doin out here?” Patton asked frowning when their words slurred together.  
  
“uh, I was uhm, on my way home, but saw you.. and wanted to uh, wanted to check..check on you, p.. patton.. I mean not that you, need me to check… I mean.. what Logan did to you is fucked up” even through the numb Patton had managed to surround themselves with, that name hurt. they think they gasped a little, sucking in oxygen sharply and looking away, trying to fight the tears that burned their eyes, If Virgil noticed he ignored it and kept going, “and… and it really, it really sucks. and its none of my business either.. but Patton what you’re doing to your self isn’t. it’s not the answer. i… I get it… I really really get it… but it’s only going to make it worse in the long run…”  
  
Patton looked up again. and Virgil wasn’t looking at them but Patton was looking at him. _ Really_ looking at him. It was almost like Virgil glowed. which could absolutely be the chemicals in their system. but it was _Purple. _it was_color. _and Patton could _see _it.   
  
When Virgil finally did look back at them his eyes were wide. and deep. and endless. but not like _his_. not like _logans_. not deep like the sky. Deep like the ocean. Deep and warm and they were like a lifeboat. like Virgil was trying to save them.  
  
“Patton… i… I’m sorry I didn’t want to upset you, i… I should… I should go…” Patton hadn’t realized they’d started crying. but as soon as Virgil tore his gaze away and turned to walk away, ice pierced through Patton’s mind.   
  
“n.. no.,” they whispered reaching forward to grab onto Virgil’s hand with both of there’s and it was so so so warm. “s.. stay…” they pleaded.  
  
And Virgil did. Patton can’t say how long they sat there. on the park bench. it must have been all night. but Virgil stayed. Patton felt warm for the first time in months. Patton _felt _for the first time in months.   
  
Virgil stayed. they talked. Patton poured their heart out. they sobbed and screamed and when they woke up the next morning they ached so bad, but their head was clear.   
  
They stared at their reflection pill bottle in hand, ready to start the day like they’d started every day for months. but they didn’t want to feel numb anymore. they pulled the purple hoodie tighter around their shoulders, the hoodie they knew had belonged to Virgil, who must have let them borrow it, and they uncapped the bottle and poured the remaining pills down the drain.   
  
Patton had loved, with everything they had, and it left them broken.   
  
Logan left them broken, _Virgil stayed._  
  
But broken didn’t mean ruined. _Didn’t mean they couldn’t be put back together._  
  
They pulled out their phone and dialed Virgil’s number. 


	2. I'm Not the Type to be Left Speechless (But I Don't Think I can Handle This)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why They Broke Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place probably 6 months before chapter one. 
> 
> Trigger Warning: Self Medication, Drug use at the end. 
> 
> Based on the song Perfect Day (A True Story) by Gabbie Hannah
> 
> -Kay

Everything was so bright and vibrant. 

The sun beat down on them as they took in the waves lapping at the shore.

The sky and the ocean were clear blue and beautiful but all they could look at was _him_ and butterflies fluttered in their stomach and their chest

They were very sure this could only mean that Patton was in love.

The beach was full of people but they didn’t care it was warm and they were with him and it was a perfect day. 

Logan leaned over them kissing them, lighting them on fire in the best way. Patton was open and in love and they loved his smile when he pulled away.

When Logan smiled the whole world lit up. 

“Let’s go home Patton” He’d said and Patton’s name fell off his lips like it meant everything. Logan made them feel like they were everything.

They were barely through the door when Logan’s arms wrapped around them and they were kissing like they would never stop. Like they could never stop. Like to stop would ruin them both. Logan’s lips were soft and gentle and heated all at the same time. Logan was everywhere. Logan was all they could see and hear and feel and taste. Logan was everything.

When they did eventually pull away, the warmth still held on, curling in their stomach as butterflies danced. Patton didn’t think they’d ever been this happy. Even with the salt and the sand that clung to their skin, they felt happy.   
  
“Can I borrow your shower L? I need to get this sand out of my hair” they asked running a hand through the half damp salty mess of their hair   
  
“Of course my love, I’ll make tea” Patton smiled as Logan brushed his lips against Patton’s again**. **

The water was warm. Everything was warm and Patton felt lighter than they ever had. They might have stayed under the water longer than necessary, loving the way they felt like they were floating. the way everything was just perfect.

When they finally did turn the water off and stepped out of the shower wrapped in a big fluffy towel they thought they’d never be happier. 

  
And then they saw ‘i love you’ written in the fog in the mirror. They giggled seeing the message left there for them. And they _knew_ they’d never be happier.

And they were still giggling softly when they took notice of the loopy letters. That looked nothing like Logans straight and near perfect handwriting.   
  
Their giggles tasted like sand in their mouth when the realizations hit them.   
  
And they thought they’d never be happy again.

They held the towel tight in their fists and they stared at the letters they wished they’d never seen. Every drop of warmth flooded out of them instantly and all they could see were loopy letters that weren’t for them. For Logan. They were left here for Logan, buy someone else. Someone that wasn’t them. And why didn’t he just erase it?

Patton could have lived in ignorance forever. They could have been happy with Logan forever. Logan was everything. 

  
The butterflies were dying.   
  
The love was dying  
  
Their heart was shattering.

And they knew they’d never be happy again.  
  
At some point they ended up on the floor, wrapped in a towel that felt wrong and gross and bad and cold. Everything was cold. Cold and ruined. 

It was a perfect day, Patton wanted to hold onto it. They didn’t want it to be ruined by this.   
  
The knock on the door startled them “Patton? The tea is ready love,” Patton opened their mouth to answer but no words came out. Nothing was coming out. “Patton? Is everything alright?” _**NO!**_ They wanted to scream at him. Everything is most certainly not alright. Nothing would be alright again. And Patton was starting to gasp quietly for air. They were shaking but they forced themself up. Forced themselves to pull on clothes that felt almost as gross and wrong as the towel and their heart and the butterflies that were dying. 

They pulled the door open while Logan was mid-knock. They must have looked awful because Logan immidetly tried to wrap his arms around them and Patton just stiffened.   
  
“I need to go” they whispered barely audible, not returning the hug. It didn’t feel right. It wasn’t right. Nothing was right.   
  
“Oh, alright darling I’ll drive you home?” Patton shook their head. And Logan was looking at them with so much concern that Patton wanted to scream all over again. But they didn’t want this. They couldn’t do this. This fight couldn’t happen now. Maybe not ever. Patton pushed past him heading to the door.   
  
****But Logan had them by the arm “what’s wrong?” what’s wrong? _What’s wrong? **What’s wrong?**_ everything was wrong! Everything was fake and wrong and a lie. It was all a fucking lie! They yanked their arm out of Logans hold. 

Why couldn’t he just tell? Why couldn’t he see? It was over… but they couldn’t say that it was over or they might fall apart. They didn’t want to fall apart here. Not here. Not here. They needed to get out, to get away from this perfect day. It was a lie.

But it was a _pretty_ lie.

It was a pretty lie to end on. A perfect day, a perfect way to leave. Perfection shattered into the ruins of Patton and Logan and _them. _

_And everything. _  
  
It was all just ruins and scattered ashes of Patton’s butterflies.

“Would you just talk to me?” and there was a trace amount of panic in his voice and Patton surprised themselves by feeling smug. 

But they couldn’t deal with this now. Or ever. It was over. They were over. Patton was over.

And Logan was beautiful. And everything. And they knew if they’d give him the chance he’d come up with lies to cover the tracks that laid out so perfectly in front of them. On the mirror. In the fog and the steam._ I love you. _Written in plain fucking sight.

Logan was reaching for them again. And Patton let him. Tangled their fingers with his and they waited to feel the spark they usually felt when they touched. But it was dead._ It was dead_. It was all _**dead**_.

They pulled logan closer desperate to feel something. _Anything_ and there was only nothing. _Lots of fucking nothing._

Logan was cupping their face and Patton felt nothing. Logan was leaning towards them and there was no skip in their heart. No butterflies left. And Logan was kissing them and Patton could taste the apologies and pleads on Logan’s lips but still, they felt nothing.

They pulled away and turned and ran.

The door slammed closed behind them and they could still feel all the places logan touched. The fingertips around their wrist and the feather-light touches against their cheek and it was too much _too much **too much**_. They scratched at their skin and the first of many sobs crawled up their chest and broke in their throat.

Patton made it home before they choked and the sobs came faster and harder and unrelenting. They made their way to the bathroom. And stared at themselves broken. And it hurt _it hurt_ _**it hurt**_. And they couldn’t deal with it. They couldn’t live with it they couldn’t.

They couldn’t hurt like this. 

They needed to forget it. they had to forget all of it. their hands shook as they desperately opened the medicine cabinet fumbling with the lid to the first bottle they could grab. 

They had to forget. had to make themselves forget. 


End file.
